Saturday, July 03, 2010

Bamboozled!

The Scene of the Crime!

[warning....slightly graphic story]

Up to this point our parenting skills have been challenged in many ways. We’ve been manipulated, charmed and maddened, but to date had never really suffered being bamboozled, until the other night.


It was a rare warm evening—one of our first days that could be considered summer weather. Even though bedtime was approaching, none of us wanted to give up the beautiful warm day just yet, so we decided to take a stroll to Rust park for a few minutes of fun in the field and playground.


We made the two block trek to the park, raced to the monkey bars and preceded to order our imaginary coffees from Devi’s coffee store. She informed me that the menu had switched to cooked rocks with ketchup, because she was all out of pretend coffee. Routine to this point, we played a bit more and then began our walk toward the exit of the park.


The out building restroom is undergoing some restoration, so a portable potty has been supplied by the town. Albeit a nice, clean, and hardly used one, it is a portable potty none the less. Walking past it, Devi announced that she had to use the potty and couldn't wait until we got home. Using the restroom can still be a bit of a power play for her, so when she announces that she has to go, she really does and we take it seriously.


We stopped and daddy went into the tight quarters with her, to help set things up and get her started. He realized that she was truly serious about THIS urge and this was going to take a few minutes. Evidently, Devi realized it too, and asked daddy for a little privacy, so he obliged and stepped outside to await the announcement of “all done.”


What happened next, was like a bad dream occurring in slow motion - the most basic of parenting faux pas. Daddy watched in horror, as the inset door dial facing him turn from green to red revealing the word, “occupied” preceded by the click of it’s secure closure into the locked position! A sudden shift in our power was realized as she unknowingly now called the shots from inside a locked blue box of human waste while we stood helpless and dumbfounded outside.


Immediately, both of our adult brains began to race as we processed the situation. We were outside AND she was in there...locked into a room of ick! A united front, we simultaneously came to the same conclusion. Our plan...stay calm and don’t let her hear the panic or any sense of urgency in our voice. Pulsing with adrenaline, Daddy calmly began the same dialogue we would follow at home.


Daddy: Are you done?

Dev: No!

[pause]


Daddy: Are you done?

Dev: No! I’m waiting for the p**p to come out. [pause] Hey, you can hear me. Can you hear me?

Mommy: Yes we can hear you.

Dev: I can hear you too.


While this conversation is going on, daddy and I are surveying the blue box on all sides trying to see if there is some way that we can take it apart or somehow break in, if need be.


Daddy: Are you done?

Dev: No, I’m doing some business. Why is there soap in the boy’s potty?

Mommy: THAT’S NOT SOAP...don’t touch it. Don’t TOUCH ANYTHING?

Dev: Why? Can I touch the toilet paper? Can I touch my princess panties? Can I touch.....the door handle?

Mommy: Yes. you may touch those things, but not anything else. Are you done?

Dev: No. [pause] When I’m done, can I touch the toilet paper?

Daddy: Yes.


[pause]

Dev: How do boys sit on this boys potty?

Mommy: The boys don’t sit, they stand up like daddy.

Dev: No they don’t. The boys don’t stand up at my school.

Daddy: Well, big boys do. Are you done?

Dev: No.

Mommy: You need to finish up.

Dev: O-kaaaayyyy.


Loud rhythmic thuds begin coming from inside the locked box, and I envision her swinging her legs and kicking the sides of the latrine like a bass drum with her heals. I tell her to stop kicking and finish up. I hear a few more irresistible thunderous booms from her feet that awaken my quick thinking ability and I devise plan B.


Mommy: Devi, there are other people out here that need to use the potty.

Dev: Who, mommy?

Looking around at the vacant park, I say ME!


Dev: Oh! Okay, momma. [pause]

Daddy: Are you done?

Dev: No.

Mommy: Devi, you need to finish, because momma REALLY needs to use it too.

Dev: O-kaaaayyyy. [pause]

We can hear some muffled sounds of movement from within.


Dev: Mom, why did my toilet paper sink into the blue water? Hey, why is the water blue?

Mommy: The blue water helps to keep the air fresh and the bathroom clean.

Dev: No it doesn’t. The bluewater is not in the air, mommy.


Hearing a click, the green word “VACANT” appeared and the door opened and out pops Devi oblivious to what has just happened. To her it was just another routine and mundane part of her day. Needless to say, mommy and daddy were sweating profusely as what seems like a good 15 minutes had passed. At that point, I was just relieved that she was willing and able to unlock the door. I shudder at the thought of what would have happened if she were unable to get the door open.


In no time, we were on our way home. In route, Dev found a stick which became a princess wand and happily started turning daddy into all sorts of animals that he enacted with a flap of his winds, a swish of his clawed paw of a swing of his truck along the way.


Home, not soon enough, I announce BATH TIME, and under my breath I utter with LOTS and LOTS of soap! Nothing like a good scrubbing to erase the woes of a mother's vivid imagination....EWWWWW!!!! 

10 comments:

Kristi W. said...

Oh my goodness!!! That would have had me freaking out, too! Good job staying calm. :) Yes, it's best not to imagine what kind of nasty germs were to be had in that potty. Love your scene of the crime pic.

SarahinOK said...

Thank God! You had me really freaked that the 'graphic' nature involved much worse! I had visions of her locking herself in and than falling in! AHHHH!
Glad it worked out in the end. :)

Laura said...

I am laughing OUT LOUD reading your story! How fun that you all can find the humor in parenting!! Many more stories to come, I am certain... what a precocious little thing:)
Laura

The Baxter Family said...

That is hysterical! Way to stay calm!

Anonymous said...

Julie:
What a funny and creative girl you have.Glad too that she didn't lock herself in their.Sounds like you handled it perfectly.She stayed calm because you all did.
Leveta

Emily said...

I am once again laughing out loud! Oh the power of the holder of the porta potty. Too funny. I am so very, very glad to hear it turned out ok, with no traumatic potty moments. Thanks for sharing this, I will be extra careful when aiding our daughter in porta potty usage! Emily

Peter and Nancy said...

Ha ha ha!!!! I hate those port-0-germ cages so much! I would've been freaking out too, and dousing the bottoms of her shoes with hand sanitizer. (You'd think that with 3 kids, 2 of whom are boys, I'd be less of a germophobe . . . but you'd be wrong!)
Nancy

Candice said...

So hilarious! Glad she made it out safely! Oh to see the world through the eyes of a child and not have a care in the world! :)

Candice

Karen said...

Oh baby. Ick. Ick ick ick!!! But... I am grinning ear to ear as I read Devi's funny conversation. Too cute! Thank goodness kids are washable! (Perhaps we should invent a Purell shower. They could install one right next to the porta-potty!)

Fenwick Five said...

Goodness:) Thank GOODNESS!! My heart would have landed on the ground,not being as calm as you. Shane would be trying to help Maiya while helping me,LOL. What a definate parent moment. :)
So glad yo have my computer back. Gidget:)
Hoping to post a update soon.